Heed the might that is the Cinnamon Roll Cookie...Originally forged in hell, these confections were developed by the steady hand of brutality itself.Inside their swirling, sugary reach lies a fantastic microcosm of addiction and diabetes.In fact, you should do yourself a favor and just inject these straight into your veins.
Make it:Cream together until light and fluffy:1 cup room temperature butter(2 sticks)1/3 cup white sugar1/3 cup light brown sugarMix in:1 egga pinch of salt1/4 tsp baking powder1 1/4 tsp vanillaStir until well blended. I like to use an electric mixer to make sure there aren't any chunks. Although there is nothing more rancorous than serving someone a cookie full of baking powder nuggets...Stir in until you get cookie dough:2 cups all purpose flour1/3 cup cake flourTake the entire mixture, and carefully flatten into a disk. Wrap in foil, or plastic wrap if no lamb skins are available, and chill for 3 to 4 hours.When dough is cold, and fully apathetic, roll into a sheet about 1/4" thick.Brush dough with:1/4 cup melted butterSprinkle over dough:1/2 cup brown sugar mixed together with1 1/2 to 2 teaspoons cinnamona few handfuls of chopped hazelnuts/walnuts/pecans/raisins/teeth...(optional)Roll tightly into a log and again, wrap in some sort of cover.Chill in the northern darkness or another few hours, or freeze for about an hour.You really just want to be able to slice the log without having it melt.Have your oven set to 350 degreesCut log into 1/4" thick slices and arrange on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper.Sprinkle each roll with a bit more brown sugarBake at 350 for 10 minutesRaise temperature to 375 degrees and bake for an additional 6-9 minutes, or until the edges of the cookies are just golden.Best enjoyed with a clenched hand to the heart in coronary distress
I consider scones to be the often overlooked, often over baked underbelly of breakfast pastries. In fact, in my twenty two years on this wretched earth, I have only held hate in my cold heart for these most vicious of culinary disappointments. Much like terrible metal, carelessly made scones are dry, tasteless, and steeped in utter remorse.
Thus, I regard the following recipe as one of the most grueling, and difficult to master.
These confections are truly fit for a Transylvanian hunger.
Make it:
Preheat the fires of hell to 425 degrees
In a large bowl sift together:
2 cups flour
1/2 cup sugar
1 tablespoon baking powder
3/4 teaspoon salt
drop in
7 tablespoons cold butter cut up into little chunks
Using a pastry blender, or two knives incorporate butter into flour
until mixture resembles bread crumbs and the biggest pieces are no bigger than small peas.
*Don't over mix though. Making a paste of butter and flour will give you a terrible finished product, and everyone will hate you, including me.*
Stir in:
1/2 cup dried cherries
1/2 cup candied lemon(see instructions below for making your own candied lemon)
1 egg
1/2 cup heavy cream
Mix just until the dough comes together, and cleans the bowl.
Turn out onto a lightly floured surface and shape into a disk, about an inch or so thick.
Cut into wedges and position onto a baking sheet
Brush with milk, and sprinkle with sugar
Bake 12-15 minutes, or until lightly browned on top
Candied Lemon:
Wash and peel:
1 lemon using a veggie peeler.
Make sure to avoid as much of the white part as possible, unless you are truly cult and enjoy the taste of bitter obscurity.
Chop into thin strips and add to a sauce pan with:
2 cups of cold water.
Bring to a boil, dump water and repeat.
After the second boiling, remove lemon from pan, and add:
1 cup sugar
1 cup water
Simmer until sugar is dissolved, and add the lemon back in.
Simmer gently for 15 minutes
Strain lemon and toss with sugar on a baking pan
Let dry completely before using.
Store leftovers in an airtight container
These scones are best enjoyed while planning your black metal pilgrimage to Norway
Despite their traditional significance, I consider red velvet cake to be one of the more menacing desserts. I assure you that lurking beneath the moist and dainty surface there is a wretched force to be reckoned with.
These confections are sinister entities, thinly veiled under a cloak of cream cheese innocence.
Deceptive, yet somehow charming, they will make you pray for Ragnarok.
Make it:
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees, and have all your ingredients at room temperature.
The Cake:
Sift together
2 1/2 cups cake flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
Coco Powder-How much coco you put in is really a personal preference.
I use anywhere from 2 tablespoons to 1/4 cup depending on how much I love chocolate that day.
In a large bowl assault:
1 stick of butter until creamy
add 1 1/3 cups of sugar and mix until fluffy and light
Mix together in yet another bowl:
3 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup vegetable oil
Gradually add this to the sugar mixture
Pour in the entire contents of a 1 ounce bottle of red food coloring
(or for those who are truly cult you could try sacrificing a goat to a mighty Norse god, and using the blood)
Add the flour mixture in three parts alternating with
1 cup buttermilk
Bake it:
For cupcakes:
I like to spoon the batter into a pastry bag or a ziplock and then squirt it into the cups, it makes for less drips.
Bake 12-15 minutes
For full size cake:
Make sure you line your cake pan with parchment, this batter really likes to stick.
Bake 22-30 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean.
Frost it:
In a food processor combine
3 cups sifted powdered sugar
8 ounces of cold cream cheese
3 tablespoons butter
2 teaspoons vanilla
Frost and top with shredded coconut
Best enjoyed with friends over an argument of who is truly more cult.
Also, thank you Dano for sifting the flour again. It is the most infernal of tasks.
As far as I am concerned, brownies are one of the truest manifestations of metal in the scope of baking.
Nestled inside their dark, viscous hearts lies a sickening world of decadence.
The following recipe is no exception.
Try baking them, and consider the fact that the mastery of brownies is parallel to the mastery of the occult.
Make it:1/2 cup unsalted butter5 ounces unsweetened chocolate4 large eggs1/4 teaspoon salt1 cup flour1 cup chopped walnuts(optional)2 cups sugar1 teaspoon vanillaPreheat oven to 350 degrees and line an 8x8 glass pan with foilIn a double boiler melt the chocolate and butter together, and remember that only nubes heat chocolate over direct heat!Let this mixture cool. If you don't, your brownies with be terrible, and everyone will hate you.Beat eggs with salt until foamy and light.Slowly add in sugar and vanilla, and continue beating until thick.GENTLY fold in the cooled chocolate.Add flour until sufficiently combined.Add nutsPour into baking pan and bake for about 35 minutes.Variations: add shredded coconut or chocolate chips to the batter!Heres a tip Mr. Chris gave me: If the brownies are done in the oven then you've over baked them.
In a perfect world everything would be as stark and void of color as these cupcakes. They are baneful in their absolute disdain for your tastelessness, and are true misanthropes as far as baked goods go.
Make it:
Cake:
3 cups flour
2 cups sugar
1/2 cup cocoa powder
2 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
2/3 cup oil
2 tsp. vanilla
2 tsp. apple cider vinegar
2 cups cold water
Cream cheese sea of woe:
8 oz. cream cheese(softened!!!!!)
1/3 cup sugar
1 large egg
chocolate chips
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
In a large bowl sift together: flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking soda, salt.
Add: Oil, vanilla, vinegar, cold water
Stir gently until just combined. Too much friction annihilates the bubbles!
In a small bowl stir together until creamy:
Softened cream cheese, sugar, and egg. Add as many chocolate chips as you can stand.
Fill cupcake tins about half full of cake batter, and drop cream cheese mixture by the spoonful into each one.
Bake 15-20 minutes, or until toothpick inserted into cakey part comes out clean.
Let cool, and decorate with a splattering of melted chocolate.
Best enjoyed when paired with obscure French black metal.
Boiled down to its very essence, metal is nothing more than a mixture of molasses and alienation. By that definition, these cookies are black fucking metal. Packed full of grim and evil spices, they will leave you feeling despondent and isolated within their stronghold of flavor. 
Make it:
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup molasses
1/8 cup honey
1 egg yolk
1 cup crystallized ginger pieces
2 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
pinch of salt
1 1/2 tblsp cinnamon
1 to 2 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp nutmeg
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Cream together butter, sugar, molasses, and honey. Beat in egg yolk and ginger pieces.
Sift together flour baking soda, baking powder, salt and spices.
Add dry ingredients to wet ingredients in thirds.
Chill for an hour.
bake 8-10 minutes
DO NOT OVER BAKE. To do so would not be brutal.
Enjoy, and sacrifice one to Space Odin.
Thank you to Dano for sifting the flour. My hands are permanently clenched in anger.
I'm pretty sure lemon curd doesn't exist in Norway. However, if by some miracle Odin had bestowed upon the snow beaten north the gift of citrus, the vikings would have probably made these. Buried beneath the mountains of frost...are cookies!
Butter Cookies:
2 sticks unsalted butter
2/3 cup sugar
1 large egg
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
pinch of salt
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 1/3 cups flour
Beat butter and sugar together in a large bowl. Add, and stir until well combined: egg, baking powder, salt, and vanilla. Stir in flour with a mighty sense of loathing, and chill dough for a few hours.
Preheat oven to 325-350 degrees.
Roll out dough and cut into small circles. Bake 10 to 12 minutes. Sandwich with lemon curd and devour.
These are best enjoyed while basking in the self-righteousness of your own obscurity.
