Red Velvet Cupcakes with Coconut Celtic Frosting

Despite their traditional significance, I consider red velvet cake to be one of the more menacing desserts. I assure you that lurking beneath the moist and dainty surface there is a wretched force to be reckoned with.
These confections are sinister entities, thinly veiled under a cloak of cream cheese innocence.
Deceptive, yet somehow charming, they will make you pray for Ragnarok.




Make it:
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees, and have all your ingredients at room temperature.

The Cake:
Sift together
2 1/2 cups cake flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
Coco Powder-How much coco you put in is really a personal preference.
I use anywhere from 2 tablespoons to 1/4 cup depending on how much I love chocolate that day.

In a large bowl assault:
1 stick of butter until creamy
add 1 1/3 cups of sugar and mix until fluffy and light

Mix together in yet another bowl:
3 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup vegetable oil
Gradually add this to the sugar mixture
Pour in the entire contents of a 1 ounce bottle of red food coloring
(or for those who are truly cult you could try sacrificing a goat to a mighty Norse god, and using the blood)
Add the flour mixture in three parts alternating with
1 cup buttermilk

Bake it:
For cupcakes:
I like to spoon the batter into a pastry bag or a ziplock and then squirt it into the cups, it makes for less drips.
Bake 12-15 minutes
For full size cake:
Make sure you line your cake pan with parchment, this batter really likes to stick.
Bake 22-30 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean.

Frost it:
In a food processor combine
3 cups sifted powdered sugar
8 ounces of cold cream cheese
3 tablespoons butter
2 teaspoons vanilla
Frost and top with shredded coconut

Best enjoyed with friends over an argument of who is truly more cult.

Also, thank you Dano for sifting the flour again. It is the most infernal of tasks.

Le Petit Gâteau des Légions Noires-Traditional cupcakes inspired by untraditional black metal

In a perfect world everything would be as stark and void of color as these cupcakes. They are baneful in their absolute disdain for your tastelessness, and are true misanthropes as far as baked goods go.




Make it:

Cake:
3 cups flour
2 cups sugar
1/2 cup cocoa powder
2 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
2/3 cup oil
2 tsp. vanilla
2 tsp. apple cider vinegar
2 cups cold water

Cream cheese sea of woe:
8 oz. cream cheese(softened!!!!!)
1/3 cup sugar
1 large egg
chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees
In a large bowl sift together: flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking soda, salt.
Add: Oil, vanilla, vinegar, cold water
Stir gently until just combined. Too much friction annihilates the bubbles!

In a small bowl stir together until creamy:
Softened cream cheese, sugar, and egg. Add as many chocolate chips as you can stand.

Fill cupcake tins about half full of cake batter, and drop cream cheese mixture by the spoonful into each one.
Bake 15-20 minutes, or until toothpick inserted into cakey part comes out clean.
Let cool, and decorate with a splattering of melted chocolate.

Best enjoyed when paired with obscure French black metal.