tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36246886441564048322024-03-16T00:06:51.814-07:00The Black OvenImmaculate confections succumbed to northern darknessMeganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10432357314898142122noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624688644156404832.post-78613699505417188632008-09-11T22:50:00.001-07:002008-09-15T23:38:43.187-07:00My Ornaments of Cinnamon<span style="font-family:times new roman;">Heed the might that is the Cinnamon Roll Cookie...</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Originally forged in hell, these confections were developed by the steady hand of brutality itself.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Inside their swirling, sugary reach lies a fantastic microcosm of addiction and diabetes.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">In fact, you should do yourself a favor and just inject these straight into your veins.</span><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.blogger.com/%3Ca%20href=" com="" photos="" artwhore="" 2861386269="" title="ornamments of cinnamon by one thousand days, one million years, on Flickr"><img style="width: 489px; height: 381px;" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3178/2861386269_845a180247.jpg" alt="ornamments of cinnamon" /></a><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Make it:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Cream together until light and fluffy:</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 cup room temperature butter(2 sticks)</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/3 cup white sugar</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/3 cup light brown sugar</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Mix in:</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 egg</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">a pinch of salt</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/4 tsp baking powder</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 1/4 tsp vanilla</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Stir until well blended. I like to use an electric mixer to make sure there aren't any chunks. Although there is nothing more rancorous than serving someone a cookie full of baking powder nuggets...</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Stir in until you get cookie dough:</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">2 cups all purpose flour</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/3 cup cake flour</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Take the entire mixture, and carefully flatten into a disk. Wrap in foil, or plastic wrap if no lamb skins are available, and chill for 3 to 4 hours.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">When dough is cold, and fully apathetic, roll into a sheet about 1/4" thick.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Brush dough with:</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/4 cup melted butter</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Sprinkle over dough:</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/2 cup brown sugar mixed together with</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 1/2 to 2 teaspoons cinnamon</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">a few handfuls of chopped hazelnuts/walnuts/pecans/raisins/teeth...(optional)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Roll tightly into a log and again, wrap in some sort of cover.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Chill in the northern darkness or another few hours, or freeze for about an hour.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">You really just want to be able to slice the log without having it melt.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Have your oven set to 350 degrees</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Cut log into 1/4" thick slices and arrange on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Sprinkle each roll with a bit more brown sugar</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Bake at 350 for 10 minutes</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Raise temperature to 375 degrees and bake for an additional 6-9 minutes, or until the edges of the cookies are just golden.</span><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Best enjoyed with a clenched hand to the heart in coronary distress</span>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10432357314898142122noreply@blogger.com59tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624688644156404832.post-52867870341269750072008-06-10T15:05:00.000-07:002008-06-11T22:28:47.954-07:00Beholding the Scone of Might- Candied Lemon/Cherry Scones<span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;">I consider scones to be the often overlooked, often over baked underbelly of breakfast pastries. In fact, in my twenty two years on this wretched earth, I have only held hate in my cold heart for these most vicious of culinary disappointments. Much like terrible metal, carelessly made scones are dry, tasteless, and steeped in utter remorse.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Thus, I regard the following recipe as one of the most grueling, and difficult to master.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">These confections are truly fit for a </span><span style="font-family: times new roman;">Transylvanian</span><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-family: times new roman;"> hunger.</span><br /><br /><br /></span></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFE7JiY5XNle_5uEyvcchmQd5qceychaD-5s96ygX9GhU-X6Oys-xBKuS5Bjdx-FFGt91an7crdDR_UyY3V-ShKnAZREZQeHPZ7HnFXpdqaAVE48I0kDaV9HIcTF_PhOC57XdYkaMOsnw/s1600-h/IMG_3868.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFE7JiY5XNle_5uEyvcchmQd5qceychaD-5s96ygX9GhU-X6Oys-xBKuS5Bjdx-FFGt91an7crdDR_UyY3V-ShKnAZREZQeHPZ7HnFXpdqaAVE48I0kDaV9HIcTF_PhOC57XdYkaMOsnw/s320/IMG_3868.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5210861735095862114" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><br /></span></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><br /></span></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Make it:</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Preheat the fires of hell to 425 degrees</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">In a large bowl sift together:</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">2 cups flour</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/2 cup sugar</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 tablespoon baking powder</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">3/4 teaspoon salt</span><br /></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;">drop in</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">7 tablespoons </span></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:times new roman;font-size:100%;" >cold</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> butter cut up into little chunks</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Using a pastry blender, or two knives incorporate butter into flour</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">until mixture resembles bread crumbs and the biggest pieces are no bigger than small peas.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">*Don't over mix though. Making a paste of butter and flour will give you a terrible finished product, and everyone will hate you, including me.*</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Stir in:</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/2 cup dried cherries</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/2 cup candied lemon(see instructions below for making your own candied lemon)</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 egg</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/2 cup heavy cream</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Mix just until the dough comes together, and cleans the bowl.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Turn out onto a lightly floured surface and shape into a disk, about an inch or so thick.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Cut into wedges and position onto a baking sheet</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Brush with milk, and sprinkle with sugar</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Bake 12-15 minutes, or until lightly browned on top</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Candied Lemon:</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Wash and peel:</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 lemon using a veggie peeler. </span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Make sure to avoid as much of the white part as possible, unless you are truly cult and enjoy the taste of bitter obscurity.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Chop into thin strips and add to a sauce pan with:</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">2 cups of cold water.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Bring to a boil, dump water and repeat.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">After the second boiling, remove lemon from pan, and add:</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 cup sugar</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 cup water</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Simmer until sugar is dissolved, and add the lemon back in.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Simmer gently for 15 minutes</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Strain lemon and toss with sugar on a baking pan</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Let dry completely before using.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Store leftovers in an airtight container</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">These scones are best enjoyed while planning your black metal pilgrimage to Norway</span></span>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10432357314898142122noreply@blogger.com34tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624688644156404832.post-62514381663879765192008-05-13T10:43:00.000-07:002008-05-13T12:05:27.749-07:00Red Velvet Cupcakes with Coconut Celtic Frosting<span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Despite their traditional significance, I consider red velvet cake to be one of the more menacing desserts. I assure you that lurking beneath the moist and dainty surface there is a wretched force to be reckoned with.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">These confections are sinister entities, thinly veiled under a cloak of cream cheese innocence.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Deceptive, yet somehow charming, they will make you pray for Ragnarok.</span></span><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.blogger.com/%3Ca%20href=" com="" photos="" artwhore="" 2489434031="" title="Red Velvet With Celtic Frosting by one thousand days, one million years, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3258/2489434031_190175c57d.jpg" alt="Red Velvet With Celtic Frosting" height="375" width="500" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Make it:<br />Preheat your oven to 350 degrees, and have all your ingredients at room temperature.<br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><br />The Cake:<br />Sift together<br />2 1/2 cups cake flour<br />1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder<br />1/2 teaspoon baking soda<br />1/4 teaspoon salt<br />Coco Powder-How much coco you put in is really a personal preference.<br />I use anywhere from 2 tablespoons to 1/4 cup depending on how much I love chocolate that day.<br /><br />In a large bowl assault:<br />1 stick of butter until creamy<br />add 1 1/3 cups of sugar and mix until fluffy and light<br /><br />Mix together in yet another bowl:<br />3 eggs<br />1 teaspoon vanilla<br />1/2 cup vegetable oil<br />Gradually add this to the sugar mixture<br />Pour in the entire contents of a 1 ounce bottle of red food coloring<br />(or for those who are truly cult you could try sacrificing a goat to a mighty Norse god, and using the blood)<br />Add the flour mixture in three parts alternating with<br />1 cup buttermilk<br /><br />Bake it:<br />For cupcakes:<br />I like to spoon the batter into a pastry bag or a ziplock and then squirt it into the cups, it makes for less drips.<br />Bake 12-15 minutes<br />For full size cake:<br />Make sure you line your cake pan with parchment, this batter really likes to stick.<br />Bake 22-30 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean.<br /><br />Frost it:<br />In a food processor combine<br />3 cups sifted powdered sugar<br />8 ounces of <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">cold</span> cream cheese<br />3 tablespoons butter<br />2 teaspoons vanilla<br />Frost and top with shredded coconut<br /><br />Best enjoyed with friends over an argument of who is truly more cult.<br /><br />Also, thank you Dano for sifting the flour again. It is the most infernal of tasks.<br /><br /><br /><br /></span></span>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10432357314898142122noreply@blogger.com36tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624688644156404832.post-48894527773633927482008-04-09T21:18:00.000-07:002008-04-09T22:05:29.050-07:00Where the Chocolate Beats Incessant<span style="font-family:times new roman;">As far as I am concerned, brownies are one of the truest manifestations of metal in the scope of baking.<br />Nestled inside their dark, viscous hearts lies a sickening world of decadence.</span> <span style="font-family:times new roman;"><br />The following recipe is no exception.<br />Try baking them, and consider the fact that the mastery of brownies is parallel to the mastery of the occult.<br /><br /></span><img style="width: 458px; height: 359px;" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3276/2330486890_38ffbbf240.jpg" alt="brownies" /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Make it:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/2 cup unsalted butter</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">5 ounces unsweetened chocolate</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">4 large eggs</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/4 teaspoon salt</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 cup flour</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 cup chopped walnuts(optional)</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">2 cups sugar</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 teaspoon vanilla</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Preheat oven to 350 degrees and line an 8x8 glass pan with foil</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">In a double boiler melt the chocolate and butter together, and <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">remember that only nubes heat chocolate over direct heat!</span></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Let this mixture cool. If you don't, your brownies with be terrible, and everyone will hate you.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Beat eggs with salt until foamy and light.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Slowly add in sugar and vanilla, and continue beating until thick.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">GENTLY</span> fold in the cooled chocolate.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Add flour until sufficiently combined.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Add nuts</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Pour into baking pan and bake for about 35 minutes.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Variations: add shredded coconut or chocolate chips to the batter!</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Heres a tip Mr. Chris gave me: If the brownies are done in the oven then you've over baked them. </span>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10432357314898142122noreply@blogger.com44tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624688644156404832.post-88532080519602154092008-03-11T18:58:00.000-07:002008-05-13T12:10:47.805-07:00Le Petit Gâteau des Légions Noires-Traditional cupcakes inspired by untraditional black metal<span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> In a perfect world everything would be as stark and void of color as these cupcakes. </span><span style="font-family:times new roman;">They are baneful in their absolute disdain for your tastelessness, and are true misanthropes as far as baked goods go.</span><br /></span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.blogger.com/%3Ca%20href=" com="" photos="" artwhore="" 2231522519="" title="cupcake by one thousand days, one million years, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2119/2231522519_34d07b1402.jpg" alt="cupcake" height="375" width="500" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Make it:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Cake:</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">3 cups flour</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">2 cups sugar</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/2 cup cocoa powder</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">2 tsp. baking soda</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 tsp. salt</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">2/3 cup oil</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">2 tsp. vanilla</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">2 tsp. apple cider vinegar</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">2 cups cold water</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Cream cheese sea of woe:</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">8 oz. cream cheese(softened!!!!!)</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/3 cup sugar</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 large egg</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">chocolate chips</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Preheat oven to 350 degrees</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">In a large bowl </span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:times new roman;" >sift</span><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> together: flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking soda, salt.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Add: Oil, vanilla, vinegar, cold water</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Stir gently until just combined. </span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:times new roman;" >Too much friction annihilates the bubbles!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">In a small bowl stir together until creamy:</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Softened cream cheese, sugar, and egg. Add as many chocolate chips as you can stand.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Fill cupcake tins about half full of cake batter, and drop cream cheese mixture by th<span style="font-family:times new roman;">e </span>spoonful <span style="font-family:times new roman;">into each on</span>e.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Bake 15-20 minutes, or until toothpick inserted into </span><span style="font-family:times new roman;">cakey</span><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> part comes out clean.<br />Let cool, and decorate with a splattering of melted chocolate.<br /><br />Best enjoyed when paired with obscure French black metal.<br /></span></span>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10432357314898142122noreply@blogger.com192tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624688644156404832.post-53358477926320383152008-03-07T19:23:00.004-08:002008-03-07T19:54:48.081-08:00Frostbitten Molasses Cookies Entombed with Ginger<span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Boiled down to its very essence, metal is nothing more than a mixture of molasses and alienation. By that definition, these cookies are black fucking metal. Packed full of grim and evil spices, they will leave you feeling despondent and isolated within their stronghold of flavor. </span></span><br /><br /><br /><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3232/2313466137_b3c801bdf5.jpg" alt="frostbitten molasses cookies entombed with ginger" height="375" width="500" /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Make it:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/2 cup butter</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/2 cup sugar</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/4 cup molasses</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/8 cup honey</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 egg yolk</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 cup </span>crystallized<span style="font-family:times new roman;"> ginger pieces</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">2 cups flour</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1/2 tsp baking soda</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 tsp baking powder</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">pinch of salt </span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 1/2 </span>tblsp<span style="font-family:times new roman;"> cinnamon</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 to 2 tsp ground ginger</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">1 tsp nutmeg</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Preheat oven to 350 degrees</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Cream together butter, sugar, molasses, and honey. Beat in egg yolk and ginger pieces.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Sift together flour baking soda, baking powder, salt and spices.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Add dry ingredients to wet ingredients in thirds.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Chill for an hour.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">bake 8-10 minutes</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">DO NOT </span>OVER BAKE<span style="font-family:times new roman;">. To do so would not be brutal.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Enjoy, and sacrifice one to Space Odin.</span><br /></span><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Thank you to Dano for sifting the flour. My hands are permanently clenched in anger.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10432357314898142122noreply@blogger.com48tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624688644156404832.post-56852876649335450202008-03-05T22:29:00.000-08:002008-03-12T19:33:39.465-07:00Call of the Wintermoon Lemon Curd Cookies!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.blogger.com/%3Ca%20href=" com="" photos="" artwhore="" 2311310763="" title="Call of the Winter Moon Sandwich Cookies by one thousand days, one million years, on Flickr"><img style="width: 432px; height: 345px;" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3046/2311310763_36ca219378.jpg" alt="Call of the Winter Moon Sandwich Cookies" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">I'm pretty sure lemon curd doesn't exist in Norway. However, if by some miracle Odin had bestowed upon the snow beaten north the gift of citrus, the vikings would have probably made these. Buried beneath the mountains of frost...are cookies!<br /><br />Butter Cookies:<br />2 sticks unsalted butter<br />2/3 cup sugar<br />1 large egg <br />1/4 teaspoon baking powder<br />pinch of salt<br />1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract<br />2 1/3 cups flour<br /><br />Beat butter and sugar together in a large bowl. Add, and stir until well combined: egg, baking powder, salt, and vanilla. Stir in flour with a mighty sense of loathing, and chill dough for a few hours.<br />Preheat oven to 325-350 degrees.<br />Roll out dough and cut into small circles. Bake 10 to 12 minutes. Sandwich with lemon curd and devour.<br /><br />These are best enjoyed while basking in the self-righteousness of your own obscurity.<br /></span>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10432357314898142122noreply@blogger.com24